Dear Lindsay,
Because I know you read this, you've probably already seen that this letter I'm writing is just for you. I'm sure 10,000 other people have written letters you'll never read, but this one is special because I understand you. Just like Charlie [Chuck] Manson, you've been unfairly judged in the court of public media before ever going before a judge.
OK. One? VH1 made a special out of your problems and called it Lindsay Lohan: Hollywood's Trainwreck. Not fair. You're just the train wreck of the week, not the all time biggest screwup in Hollywood. Wasn't Paris Hilton just in jail? Pffft. If that network was fair and balanced, it would have been "Hollywood's Trainwrecks: Linsay Lohan", implying that it's a series about people who mess up badly and you are just one of many.
Two: Not your fault. I've witnessed temptation being too much before, I can say only your parents are to blame. One time my Dad caught my little brother playing with himself, but it totally wasn't his fault because Mom left her PlayGirl out on her bed. If you leave bait on the end of a hook, it's going to get bit. I don't know what she expected with that one. Dad totally found out he was gay too - double busted. Anyway, you're like - what - 21? C'mon. You can legally vote and drink, but you can't rent a car. You shouldn't be considered an adult until you can rent a car or your parents die tragically like in Party of Five [bestest show!]
Three: You're a celebrity. If they covered up John Denver's murder/suicide by making it look like a plane crash, they can have the decency to make your problems up to look like something else.
Sincerely,
A Shirtless Man
